The Battle Within...

"Kaisi Hai Yeh Udasi Chhayi Mere Dil Main,
Kaisi Gehri Hai Yeh Tanhayi Mere Dil Main,

Raahon Main Yaadon Ki Khamoshi Barse,
Aankhon Main Jo Ghum Hai Aansu Ko Tarse,
Yeh Bata Yeh Kyun Hua..Bujh Gaya Kyun Har Diya..."

Everything around me seems to have gone glum with sadness all of a sudden. There is this strange stirring sensation within and i am trying to find solace in this song, which has been soulfully sung by Kailash Kher for the film "Karthik Calling Karthik" (what a coincidence). I am reminded of the nightmare which Kareena used to get in the movie "Jab We Met" time and again, "Aisa lag raha hai jaise koi train chhoot rahi hai".

I know this might sound funny to quite a few, but i have been getting a similar feeling off late...it feels strange to severe ties with things that were a integral part of my life from the past few years. I feel cut off and totally disassociated from everybody around...as i sit and write this post at work. This is going to be my last week here and i can't help but wonder how soon these past 3 years have gone by.

It seems like only yesterday when i had joined this organization, not knowing how long would i last here...not sure if this was the right thing to do. And here i am serving the last few days of the notice period...not knowing where am i going...not sure of where all this is leading to. I get goosebumps to think of the new life that awaits me. I dunno how am i going to deal with this new chapter of my life.

I dunno what to say or do when i see mom crying every so often...realising the fact that i am not gonna be here for long! I dunno how to respond when dad tells mom that "start getting used to doing things on your own, she's (me) is not going to be around every time to help you." I don't know if i should be happy or sad...should i be crying or smiling, i know for sure that i don't feel like smiling though.

It's kinda weird that i am not feeling happy despite knowing the fact that i am going there to join my hubby, the person i have loved half my life. May be i am too overwhelmed with grief to think in that sense. Even though i know that he is going to be there for me...i can't help but wonder if i will be able to cope with this big change...living in a strange country with not a single soul around i know.

Makes me think, how difficult it must be for women to deal with this change when they go for arranged marriage with NRIs. In most of the cases they hardly know the man that they are going to be with. How do they trust a man they dunno so easily? I mean, what if he turns out to be something else...gives me shivers to even think of that. In that sense i feel lucky to be with a person who's been a part of my life since the past 13 yrs.

Shouldn't i be happy then...may be yes, but wouldn't that make me sound selfish! A part of me tells me to smile and embrace the change that's going to be for the better, and then there's the other one that just doesn't want to let go of the binds that tie. I dunno what to do...Is there a right thing to do in such a situation? How do i reduce the pain that my parents are under going? How do i get rid of this lump in my throat?